Return to work: Mum guilt.

I have been fortunate to bring three gorgeous boys into this world. My youngest son Arlo was born three months ago and I am in the midst of my “holiday” -

I will always remember a few years ago when I announced my second pregnancy to a male colleague. After congratulating me he jokingly said “Ah women and their holidays”. I remember thinking maybe he is right - we get time off work, time to re-energise, time with our families. In that sense we are fortunate. We spend invaluable time with our tiny babies. Time fathers rarely get unless they take on shared parental leave or unpaid leave.

And yet, here I am three months post partum and I already feel resentful towards my husband who doesn't have to take on the lion share of childcare and sees his career take off while I am stuck at home dealing with dirty nappies and tantrums.

So is maternity leave all its cracked up to be and is it okay to feel negative emotions when it comes to it?

In all honesty - I feel mixed feelings about maternity leave. I feel thankful. I feel resentful. I feel angry. I feel envious. I feel fortunate. I feel conflicted. And I feel guilty.

I feel thankful for the invaluable time I get to spend with my children. I feel resentful for seeing my husband’s career take off while mine has stalled. I feel angry for not seeing my salary increase over my childbearing years despite the larger responsibilities I take on. I feel envious for the opportunities other women without children have. I feel fortunate for witnessing the first milestones and being able to celebrate these in the moment. I feel conflicted about going back to work when it means “paying to go back” (because let’s face it my “stalled” salary does not cover childcare for three babies). I feel guilty for wanting to focus on building my business when I have just brought three gorgeous humans into this world. Into my world. So here it is - Mum Guilt - a constant battle between our own desires as mums or primary caregivers and those of our children.

I recognise that going back to work doesn't have the same definition then it once did for me. The endless overtime hours, staying late to finish a piece of work and knowing I could as I had no imperatives to go home to. I now face constant questions like “am I still able to do my job? Can I be a good parent and a good leader? How do I manage work and sick children? So here I am trying to fit my ambitious, hungry persona into a 9-5pm job - and who wants that? It’s not easy. But what I do know is being a mum has made me a better leader, a better coach, a better person. I produce more in my 9-5 hours than I ever did when I worked over time. I am constantly striving for more and that is confidence that I have gained through understanding who I am not only as a person, but as mother.

So to all of you mums or primary caregivers out there - we’ve got this. Being a parent is an extraordinary journey but a challenging one none the less. And what we need is a bit of time to reconcile with who we now are - and that doesn't have to mean compromises - it can mean everything you have ever hoped for, for yourself, your children and more - and all that relies on is adaptability.

Today I choose to celebrate my hunger for pushing for more in my career and my endless determination to be the best mum I can be.