It’s okay not to be okay.
Right cards on the table.
I have had to hit pause over the last 4 weeks and I am pleased to say it was the best decision I ever made.
I started off the year super energised, excited and ambitious.
I threw everything I had at growing Tomorrow’s Daughter; at smashing it in my role at Hilton and being the best mum to my little sausages. I was hosting dinner parties; recording podcast interviews outside working hours; coordinating holiday plans for the summer; popping up to London to see those I love; baking cakes with Jack and Leo on the weekend; waking up at night to soothe Arlo; leading a local LeanIn circle, keeping up with my socials. You get the gist. I might as well have been a flying unicorn sporting the latest superhero cape shooting glitter at people. Life felt GREAT.
I didn’t question the number of plates I had spinning because truth be told: I loved it. I felt powerful. I felt in control. I felt loved.
I preferred pretending that Arlo going through a 5 month sleep regression had no bearing on me and continue spreading unicorn glitter all over my life.
Until one afternoon when I had a 30 minute power nap. (Let me tell you, that alone felt great).
I went to get up and my knees collapsed. I fell flat on my face. ( Okay, that felt less great).
Nothing serious just my body saying “no flying today Vic”. Over the following weeks, I then started to get heart palpitations; to feel faint; to feel aches and pains all over; people were talking to me but it was like I was disconnected. The more I tuned into my physical symptoms, the worse I felt. It suddenly hit me: I was facing a wall of exhaustion. It was one of those hefty brickwork kind of walls.
I called the doctor and he kindly said to me “Vic we will do blood tests etc but what if these come back normal? Could you be burning yourself out?” Me? Good one… (I see those of you who know me, smiling. Stop that right now.)
To my surprise (while everyone else around me was like “Surpriiise”), the tests came back normal. After encouragement from my doctor, I decided it was time to hit the pause button. I asked for time out from work. (That’s a whole other feeling of failure for another time).
24 hours later….
“Excuse me body, I hit the pause button not shut down!”. There it was, from the moment I got signed off, I got every classic illness you’d expect. It was like a chain of viruses rolling one into the other and that’s when my brain started saying “I’m not okay”. I struggled with that thought for 4 weeks but from the moment I accepted it, opened up about it and focused on recovery, I started to veer from shut down mode to reboot mode.
So here I am Vic 2.1. I am not a flying unicorn. And I suspect nor are you.
Learnings:
There is a reason the saying “spinning too many plates” exists
It’s okay to not be okay. That acknowledgement alone is the path to being okay.
Know your limits and spot the signs early on
Chasing more is exciting but let’s face it, it comes at a cost
Taking time out from work is not a failure. It happens and you will come back stronger
Sharing is part of healing
Succeeding in one area means failing in another. So be it.