My reality: being a Parent.
As I sit here writing this blog, Jack is running wild to the “floor is lava” song, Leo is woofing at me pretending to be a dog, and Arlo has decided to tip all of our living room content onto the floor.
This is my happy reality. And I love it but if I am being truly honest part of me wishes there was an ‘off’ switch. A button I can press to pause for a few weeks to give me time to re-energise, to rest, to sleep and do absolutely Nothing.
Like my parents kindly remind me, ‘this is what you wanted for yourself Vic’. It was, and it is.
I would never change what I have. I could not be prouder of my family and the trio of boys we have brought into this world. They are joyful, cheeky, loving and undeniably perfect (even when they drive us up the wall). But I also remember that I was not equipped with ALL the information when we decided to start our family.
It’s like there is this “golden rule”: Do not tell your children how relentless it is to be a parent until you become a grandparent and you are living your best life without your children in tow.
I used to pride myself on being selfless - but things have changed: since becoming a parent, I have realised how deeply selfish I actually am.
If I am being perfectly honest - I want everything I have but without the incessant whining, screaming, fighting, early wake up calls and mental load that comes with being a parent.
I feel it is the one “job” that does not ever offer flexibility; the one job where you navigate without clear objectives, targets and parameters for success but your own moral compass and past experience (which let’s be honest is riddled with ambiguities from your childhood which you want to replicate and reject all at once). It is the one job which demands such high expectations of you and can have deeply damaging consequences for the future if you don’t get it right. It is the one job that doesn’t have an off switch.
For those of us who have jobs that creep into our personal lives, we make a choice - we can choose to take a step back, to set boundaries. But when our children are crying in the middle of the night or need our love at a point when we feel empty inside, we don’t have a choice. We need to be there for them. That’s what it is to be a parent. And I promise to always do that for my children. But selfishly, I value time to myself, I value my sleep and I value time away from my children.
But this selfish realisation comes with an awareness that this is also an inherent need - one which is the secret to being my best self. Being selfish is my safety net and the one resource I need to tap into when it all feels too hard. I need to make choices (where choices are possible), to give myself the time and space to be me. I know my children will thank me for that - as no doubt it will make me a better mum.
As I write this, I am being selfish - I am choosing to spend time sharing my story rather than dancing in the chaos with my children. And right now, it feels just right.